Facing the challenge of change
Happy New Year everyone! For those that celebrate the true year cycle, and baby this year of 9 is no joke and Oya ain’t coming to play.
Today I learned a valuable less in remaining trapped in the past. After an explosive conversation with my grandmother this afternoon i realized the dangers in not being able to move forward or, rather what happens when you’re comfortable while everything changes around you. What happens when the fear sets in?
The answer, it can cause you to set traps for others who want more, and trigger some unexpected reactions from them and yourself. Rarely will you ever ask yourself what’s the real problem because the truth that you’re your own problem is a hard seat to park in. No matter what the internal reason is.
Sometimes facing down the barrel of change may trigger fears of emptiness.
“What happens if everyone succeeds but me? or without me? Does that mean I’ll be alone?”
For others the reality of “I don’t get my way” (Glenda Voice) is far too much to endure, and our egos are fighting it in every way. That’s exactly what happened this afternoon during the conversation with my grandma.
Starting off—yes she is a ‘Boomer, a first wave ‘boomer at that and then she’s an aries so…
For the last year and a half i’ve watched as she’s lived in a perpetual state of “just how i like it”. Everyday she watches the same three shows, Bonanza (a old 60s western), 8 hours worth of CNN, and last but not least, the view. usually in between that a conversation comes up that begets a 14 minute monologue about some dark memory that existed well before my time or, a current situation that has NOTHING to do with me.
As of late i noticed this heavy shift around her behavior towards me, partially because i’m good at keeping to myself, so needless to say I’ve been surprised (but not really) at what’s happening because I haven’t done anything.
except I have. I’ve stopped playing along.
For a couple of months i’ve really put in the work to heal so much of my past, especially surrounding my motherhood wounds. As a result i’ve given less fucks about politely entertaining these flashbacks and put more work into forging a new path. to be clear, her memory is fine, so it’s nothing like that.
to keep it 100, my grandma is a Firestarter, (a typical unhealed Aries trait). But lately i’ve noticed these random “fires” flare when she’s had a confrontation with another woman. As a result any grievance she has with me, no matter how small, logical, or illogical, I’m catching the smoke, and then i run off upset and avoiding any unnecessary contact, even if that means making myself starve. Today was no different, until it was.
Today I was riding high on the launch of TMAT and i’d been up for 22 hours finalizing what i needed to officially publish. my energy for days had been focused on this launch, often pushing me to awake during the night to maintain whatever peace i may have been disturbing and work while she slept. For days i noticed that she would ignore me until she felt like speaking, but making me aware that she was around (often by shuffling her slippers). usually i would feel a way, often replaying in my head if i’d done something to piss her off. but this time i didn’t give not 1 fuck. I had a “baby” to birth and my lawd TMAT was crowning.
no surprise after i launched, my good mood was attacked with a usual “lose-lose” argument followed by her trigger sentence for me “ARE YOU GON’ GET A JOB!?” as I stood there with a bowl of Yakisoba (I love them damn noodles lol).
Normally I would work to over explain how hard i’m trying, followed my the presentation of the current weeks rejection emails in hopes of proving once again, i never stopped looking, until i inevitably lose my apatite and leave my plate behind. but it wasn’t until after the conversation i realized the job isn’t the problem. To be clear, when my grandmother invited me to move in, I was already a full-fledged business owner, with my own shop space, working as an apprentice to a master healer, and holding down a corporate job in insurance. It was NEVER about money because i’d offered to pay bills, even a couple hundred in rent, not to mention i was hauling in groceries almost every other day, cause shit i like to eat, I mean steak and veggies eat, homemade dessert eat, fried chicken and fruit decorated waffles for sunday brunch eat (shoo I wasn’t 300lbs for nothing). The contributions I offered were ignored so i found other ways to contribute outside of the money she wouldn’t accept, cleaning the house and trying to make her life easier where i could, to show my gratitude, plus cook most of the meals until my brother moved back home and alternated cooking.
The truth is she could feel my energy shifting finally into not giving a fuck. I wasn’t working for her approval, and my interest in the usual topics had died. After a long winded argument with her sister, (her arch nemesis) she came to me to start another fire with me. I wasn’t playing along until she dropped her nuclear “job” bomb. This time I spoke up for myself, and laid it all on the table, in a way setting up a very distinct boundary, not disrespectfully, but very direct at the spark of the flame (or her tactic). The result was a soft, “don’t raise your voice to me”, the universal phrase for—
“ok, you caught me.” cause one thing about my grandma she’s not afraid of a fight and will keep one going.
After I set with the aftermath a while, taking time to sit outside to calm down, i was somewhat pissed that she spoiled a very special moment for me, and while wrestling internally with could i have just let her win my reality shifted when i heard “I’m proud of you” on the wind. literally like wuthering Heights.
The song and dance was nothing new but what changed was my reaction to it. I could care less about getting a win, especially in an empty argument, but my lesson in change was in letting someone know how to treat you, and to speak up when you know your intelligence is being played. I try to avoid confrontation where I can but, this one spirit put right in my face because i’ve always feared speaking up to her and i generally let her have her way, as the cost of my own well-being especially when it comes to eating. that had to change. not because i’m seeking control or to been seen in a specific way, but to use this “mirror moment” as a reminder that in order to reach my goals in this life as a teacher, entrepreneur, or whatever else Spirit brings my way i have to be willing to stand my ground, and be brave enough not to stifle my growth by avoiding the challenges that come with change.
And I sho’ did take my muthafuckin’ plate.
In her own way she was showing me that change is inevitable. but, it produces growth, and in that growth there is freedom. When we fight against the wave all we’re destined to do is drown.
I met that challenge today, and instead of locking myself away crying feeling like i was being punished and running down the nearest job site for the next 6 hours to prove my independence (with my stomach growling) I sat with it. I accepted that I’m on the wave of change, and i utilized it to create a teachable moment.
This story in no way meant to air out my grandma, but it was a vital moment spirit placed me in that i felt the need to share for anyone that reads this also in the midst of change. Your challenges may be vastly different from mine, but i want to tell you to be brave. Be courageous enough to see it through because your miracles lie on the other side.
What those will be only God/Goddess knows, but don’t fight the current, it only makes it harder to float.
blessings,
hush
